Monday, October 11, 2010

on my mind this morning...

*My dear friend Jean. I am such an overwhelming mess of emotions just thinking about her these past few days. So many tears. Most of them sad. But it's also such a story of love. If you should read this Jean, just know how much we're thinking of you. And how very much we love you.

*The weekend was a rough one in terms of missing a much-loved friend. Nearly two years after Dewey died, I can really finally remember her with mostly smiles. I can focus on the thankfulness I feel because I got to call her friend. I can think about our conversations, both silly and serious, without always breaking into tears. Of course, I still miss her. That will never change. Never. But it is so nice to see some random thing and actually smile, instead of automatically tear up, because it reminds me of her.

But the past few days were tough. The read-a-thon is always tough. (And thus, in my true run-away-from-your-problems nature, I sort of avoided it as much as I could this time.) But on top of the read-a-thon, Ali Edwards put up her first December Daily project post. I know that should anyone happen to read this post, that that will make no sense whatsoever. And I've no idea how to explain, so I won't. But I went down to my creative space on Friday, and I pulled out the base album I made in 2008. An album which never had a single photo added to it, because day 1 of the recording aspect of that project was the day I'd found out that Dewey had died. So yes, the album has sat empty ever since. I sat with that empty album on Friday, flipping the pages, and just letting the tears flow. I felt I'd gone back in time nearly two years when the pain was so new and so raw.

Anyway, I know how incredibly selfish it sounds, but I want so much to find myself smiling again when I think of Dewey. But it's not because I think the tears are bad. I don't.

*On a more mundane note, I'm disappointed that I've been such a flop this Halloween season. I can't believe that I still haven't dug out the Halloween decorations (though I hope to remedy that today). The kids still don't have I'm pretty sure they're not going to get anything too elaborately made by me. Of course, Gray wants nothing but to be a dragon, and my sewing skills were never in that league anyway! I'm guessing it will be much like last year--throw together something at the last minute. And you know, I actually think they had just as much fun then as they ever have, so I'm not sure why I'm worrying about it. (Oh, yeah, because worrying is one of the few things I'm very adept at. :P) I also haven't tried any of these new, scrumptious-sounding "fall" recipes I've been gathering. Not that time is up for that, of course...but I had visions of trying a new one every weekend this month. And finally, I had a list of people who make my world a brighter place that I wanted to make cards and little Halloween trinkets for...ummmm...yeah, the chances of this becoming a reality shrink by the minute. :( 

---Hmmm. When I glance at what I wrote, I worry that it seems like life is sort of sucking. But that's not the case. Seriously, self, when you read over this someday in the future, I don't want you to take that from this. Life is truly wonderful. True, there's been a lot of sadness. And if I could do anything to make this time easier for Jean, I'd do it in a second. And I don't mean to say that sadness and death and hurting are "good." But they are necessary. And they help me in appreciating the fullness of being alive.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

an apology

Something has been making me very sad lately, and I haven't yet figured out how to fix it. But I do want to apologize for it. "It" being the way I've been neglecting my friends. I've been horrible--I've been spotty at best in reading/commenting on blogs and I've been pathetically slow at returning emails (and that's when I manage to return them at all). I have this list of little projects and cards I wanted to make for friends for Halloween--and I'm making ridiculously slow, nearly non-existent, progress on that front.

I don't want to whine and dish out my laundry list of things that keep me from paying enough attention to my friends. After all, we're all busy, arent' we? I just seem to be sorely lacking the organizational skills to find a way to fit it all in...and I swear I've been trying to work on my organizational weaknesses, but I don't seem to be making much progress.

Anyway, it's so unfair that my friends always seem to be the ones at the end of the line. It should *not* be that way. I swear, you're all way more important to me than the tomatoes in the garden...but since you won't rot on the vine if I don't get you canned, I tend to the damn tomatoes first. And a little boy, who after a great start to the school year, is now crying every morning worrying about going to school...well, he soaks up a lot of my emotional attention. And...and...and... But I won't go into all the "ands"--like I said, I don't want this to be a whiny, "I'm overwhelmed" post.

My friends mean so much more to me than it would seem from my behavior as of late. And I am so very, very, very sorry. I truly am.

I'll get my act together one of these days. I promise.

Monday, September 27, 2010

scenes from an 8-year-old's birthday weekend

 Birthday boy's breakfast of choice: Double-dipped berries.
 Birthday boy's gift: A shiny red DS.

 Birthday boy's cake of choice: A cat, of course.
 Birthday boy's dinner of choice: Chuck E. Cheese, with a friend.
 Birthday boy's choice for an evening activity: Cat crafting.
 And Saturday brought another day of fun: Wickham Farms for big pillow bouncing, ice cream cones, pumpkin picking, and a corn maze. Then a visit from cousins, pizza, more birthday cake, and another present. :)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

and she's off...

Oh my goodness. Just look at this girl. So many thoughts crowd my mind as I stare at this picture I took this morning...

*I hate that "summer" is over. I hate it. I'll miss you being gone all day.

*But at least you'll only be "gone" for school two days of the week. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays--you'll still be stuck with me. :)

*Unfortunately, that isn't the case with your brothers. And tomorrow when they head off for their first day of school...yeah, I'm going to be a mess inside.

*Since when did 13 look so old?!! I guess it probably always has...but looking at 13 through parental eyes is somehow different.

*I'm so sorry that you're so worried about Chemistry. I'm hoping that after today, you'll be a little more comfortable. You really are going to do just fine, sweetie! I know you are.

*Still, three hours of chem lecture starting at 8:00am is quite a shock to the system, huh?

*I hope you'll call me before your afternoon class starts and let me know how things are going.

*You're so beautiful. 

*I miss you already--though if you were home, you'd still be in bed anyway.  ;)

*I'm proud of you. For so many things. 

*I love you more than words can say.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

dreams for the day...

*savoring one small square from the Dark Chocolate and Orange organic, fair-trade chocolate bar I bought last week...heaven, pure heaven

*chopping veggies (mostly from our garden) to make that spaghetti sauce I was going to make yesterday

*bowling (and sucking at it) with Rich and Gray and Max and Annie

*pigging out on the fresh garden salsa I made yesterday

*hanging out the towels to dry on this picture-perfect summer day

*spending time cleaning up my creative space

*reading fairy tales

*being appreciative

Sunday, August 22, 2010

our last morning

I have to admit that Friday was a tough day around here. None of us, most of all me, were ready for Happy Week to come to end. I'm serious, it was just so hard taking Chris to the airport. And it took everything I had not to just break down in tears saying "goodbye."

But here's just a few photos from that morning:

I know you already know this, but we miss you, Chris! Thanks for a wonderful week!!!!