Monday, October 11, 2010

on my mind this morning...

*My dear friend Jean. I am such an overwhelming mess of emotions just thinking about her these past few days. So many tears. Most of them sad. But it's also such a story of love. If you should read this Jean, just know how much we're thinking of you. And how very much we love you.

*The weekend was a rough one in terms of missing a much-loved friend. Nearly two years after Dewey died, I can really finally remember her with mostly smiles. I can focus on the thankfulness I feel because I got to call her friend. I can think about our conversations, both silly and serious, without always breaking into tears. Of course, I still miss her. That will never change. Never. But it is so nice to see some random thing and actually smile, instead of automatically tear up, because it reminds me of her.

But the past few days were tough. The read-a-thon is always tough. (And thus, in my true run-away-from-your-problems nature, I sort of avoided it as much as I could this time.) But on top of the read-a-thon, Ali Edwards put up her first December Daily project post. I know that should anyone happen to read this post, that that will make no sense whatsoever. And I've no idea how to explain, so I won't. But I went down to my creative space on Friday, and I pulled out the base album I made in 2008. An album which never had a single photo added to it, because day 1 of the recording aspect of that project was the day I'd found out that Dewey had died. So yes, the album has sat empty ever since. I sat with that empty album on Friday, flipping the pages, and just letting the tears flow. I felt I'd gone back in time nearly two years when the pain was so new and so raw.

Anyway, I know how incredibly selfish it sounds, but I want so much to find myself smiling again when I think of Dewey. But it's not because I think the tears are bad. I don't.

*On a more mundane note, I'm disappointed that I've been such a flop this Halloween season. I can't believe that I still haven't dug out the Halloween decorations (though I hope to remedy that today). The kids still don't have I'm pretty sure they're not going to get anything too elaborately made by me. Of course, Gray wants nothing but to be a dragon, and my sewing skills were never in that league anyway! I'm guessing it will be much like last year--throw together something at the last minute. And you know, I actually think they had just as much fun then as they ever have, so I'm not sure why I'm worrying about it. (Oh, yeah, because worrying is one of the few things I'm very adept at. :P) I also haven't tried any of these new, scrumptious-sounding "fall" recipes I've been gathering. Not that time is up for that, of course...but I had visions of trying a new one every weekend this month. And finally, I had a list of people who make my world a brighter place that I wanted to make cards and little Halloween trinkets for...ummmm...yeah, the chances of this becoming a reality shrink by the minute. :( 

---Hmmm. When I glance at what I wrote, I worry that it seems like life is sort of sucking. But that's not the case. Seriously, self, when you read over this someday in the future, I don't want you to take that from this. Life is truly wonderful. True, there's been a lot of sadness. And if I could do anything to make this time easier for Jean, I'd do it in a second. And I don't mean to say that sadness and death and hurting are "good." But they are necessary. And they help me in appreciating the fullness of being alive.