Monday, October 11, 2010

on my mind this morning...

*My dear friend Jean. I am such an overwhelming mess of emotions just thinking about her these past few days. So many tears. Most of them sad. But it's also such a story of love. If you should read this Jean, just know how much we're thinking of you. And how very much we love you.

*The weekend was a rough one in terms of missing a much-loved friend. Nearly two years after Dewey died, I can really finally remember her with mostly smiles. I can focus on the thankfulness I feel because I got to call her friend. I can think about our conversations, both silly and serious, without always breaking into tears. Of course, I still miss her. That will never change. Never. But it is so nice to see some random thing and actually smile, instead of automatically tear up, because it reminds me of her.

But the past few days were tough. The read-a-thon is always tough. (And thus, in my true run-away-from-your-problems nature, I sort of avoided it as much as I could this time.) But on top of the read-a-thon, Ali Edwards put up her first December Daily project post. I know that should anyone happen to read this post, that that will make no sense whatsoever. And I've no idea how to explain, so I won't. But I went down to my creative space on Friday, and I pulled out the base album I made in 2008. An album which never had a single photo added to it, because day 1 of the recording aspect of that project was the day I'd found out that Dewey had died. So yes, the album has sat empty ever since. I sat with that empty album on Friday, flipping the pages, and just letting the tears flow. I felt I'd gone back in time nearly two years when the pain was so new and so raw.

Anyway, I know how incredibly selfish it sounds, but I want so much to find myself smiling again when I think of Dewey. But it's not because I think the tears are bad. I don't.

*On a more mundane note, I'm disappointed that I've been such a flop this Halloween season. I can't believe that I still haven't dug out the Halloween decorations (though I hope to remedy that today). The kids still don't have I'm pretty sure they're not going to get anything too elaborately made by me. Of course, Gray wants nothing but to be a dragon, and my sewing skills were never in that league anyway! I'm guessing it will be much like last year--throw together something at the last minute. And you know, I actually think they had just as much fun then as they ever have, so I'm not sure why I'm worrying about it. (Oh, yeah, because worrying is one of the few things I'm very adept at. :P) I also haven't tried any of these new, scrumptious-sounding "fall" recipes I've been gathering. Not that time is up for that, of course...but I had visions of trying a new one every weekend this month. And finally, I had a list of people who make my world a brighter place that I wanted to make cards and little Halloween trinkets for...ummmm...yeah, the chances of this becoming a reality shrink by the minute. :( 

---Hmmm. When I glance at what I wrote, I worry that it seems like life is sort of sucking. But that's not the case. Seriously, self, when you read over this someday in the future, I don't want you to take that from this. Life is truly wonderful. True, there's been a lot of sadness. And if I could do anything to make this time easier for Jean, I'd do it in a second. And I don't mean to say that sadness and death and hurting are "good." But they are necessary. And they help me in appreciating the fullness of being alive.


  1. I agree that those sad times do help us appreciate the things that we have and the fact that we should enjoy each and every moment we have in this life, but those times still really suck.

    I am gathering from your post that Jean lost someone really important to her. Even though I only know her from blogging, that still makes me so sad for her.

    Grant is going to be a dragon - we got his costume on sale at Old Navy. They are usually my Halloween savior since I don't seem to have the inclination to sew my own!

  2. Big hugs. Certain dates within the year can bring as all to a standstill, where we ponder, reflect and release the tears. It is OK to feel sad and it is OK to remember and let the tears flow. Sending happy thoughts and prayers your way.

  3. I am finding 2 yrs is a bit magical because I too can think of my brother without "always" crying...sometimes I get down and that bothers me but it is what it is...and it's better than it was so we can both be glad about that.

    Sorry for your friend Jean.

  4. 'I don't mean to say that sadness and death and hurting are "good." But they are necessary. And they help me in appreciating the fullness of being alive.' You are wise for someone so young, Debi, truly wise. Having slept better last night, I feel much better today. Dad is hanging in there, though pretty much always sleeping now. That's okay, though, because he and we have said all the good-byes we needed. I just want him to be at peace now. Hugging you back across the miles.

  5. I've started to comment on this post so many times and always delete my comment and click out of the window. Not really sure why.

    But Debi, when I read this post, I don't get the sense that life sucks. Maybe some tough times--we all have the bumps and rough patches--but I still see a lot of joy that seemed to be missing several months ago. And you're right--without the hurt the happiness just isn't as sweet. Not fully alive.

    Hugs...been thinking about you a lot lately. Hoping all is well in your world.